When his tattoo gets to you, carefully consider the options

Q. I have been dating my boyfriend for six months. We do not live together but see each other or talk almost every day. His ex died three years ago. They had a daughter, who is 6, who lives with my boyfriend.

The problem is my boyfriend has a very large tattoo of both his ex and his daughter’s names on his chest right above his heart. This makes me uncomfortable. I would like him to remove his ex’s name, and I told him so, but he said that she was the mother of his child, and he will not do it. Should I break up with him? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Many will say that the problem you face is why people should never get names of their partners tattooed on their body. Relationships can be tenuous, and you may end up with a record of the coupling long after the relationship is viable.

However, others see tattoos as a statement of loyalty or commitment, like wearing a wedding ring (even if you are not married). Tattoos can also be regarded as a way to document your history, and removal would never be a consideration.

Your predicament adds another layer to all this. It appears your boyfriend regards his tattoo as a symbol of respect, but you did not mention if the tattoo was inked before or after his child’s mother’s death. That might make a difference in the way he regards the gesture. The truth appears to be that he continues to hold the mother of his daughter in high regard and has no desire to remove the tattoo, at least not at this time.

Quite frankly, asking anyone to make that kind of decision after six months, when you are not living together and may not have formal plans for the future, is a bold move. The decision to break up with him is, of course, yours, but you must ask yourself: Is it really what you want to do? It sounds as if you simply want more of a commitment than your boyfriend is willing to offer at this time, but manipulation — threatening to break up with him to get him to do something you want — will most likely backfire. Then the choice to break up will be taken from your hands.

Ultimately, what matters the most, is his daughter’s feelings, and that may be behind your boyfriend’s decision to keep his child’s mother’s name tattooed on his chest. Seeing her name there could have become a source of comfort, a catalyst to talk about mom’s passing and remember her together.

I have worked with many clients trying to deal with the passing of their bonus child’s parent. They were not easily accepted. A more productive approach might be to openly honor her mother rather than attempt to erase her memory. Present yourself as a helper to the deceased parent now that she can no longer be with her child, not a replacement mom or partner.

Your motives must be genuine, not manipulative. Then, in time, if your relationship becomes stronger, Dad may feel comfortable removing or altering the tattoo, but will always be his choice. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Blackstone is a child custody mediator, author and founder of Bonus Families. She may be contacted at jann@bonusfamilies.com.

TNS