Mom makes huge error in exluding son’s stepchildren

Q. My son recently married a woman with four children. They also have a baby together, my only grandchild. We are expecting a lot of company for the coming holiday, and I have asked my son to bring my grandchild but leave his wife’s children at home. There’s just not enough room.

Now he’s refusing to come, and I’m broken-hearted. What is good ex-etiquette?

A. Sometimes I get questions from readers, and I read them in awe. Reading yours, I found myself saying out loud, “What must this person be thinking?” Asking your son to leave most of his family home during an extended family holiday get-together is about the worst ex-etiquette possible.

If you read my column, you know I rarely tell a reader they are all right or all wrong. I try to look for the lesson and do my best to come down on the side of reason. This will be an exception to my rule. He made the right choice and you made the wrong one.

In your defense, your reasoning sounds very much like old-school divorce thinking. That means you may not see step relatives as “real” family. This was the standard before joint custody was the lay of the land. But now that parents must share their children’s time after a breakup, new partners play a much bigger role than before, and that means they have a much bigger impact on the children in their care. That’s one of the reasons I began to use the more descriptive word “bonus,” rather than “step.” Your son sounds like he is quickly edging toward “bonus” status.

Your son plays a major role in his wife’s children’s lives. Hopefully, they are learning to trust him and feel safe and secure in his presence. How can he, in good conscience, say to them, “Hey guys, we are going to my mom’s for Christmas. We are taking the baby, but you guys have to stay home.” Your son does not have just one child, he has five in his care. And, although they are not all his biological children, the goal is to have them feel as safe as if they were, all the while acknowledging their individual backgrounds and what they have gone through prior to his marrying their mother.

Your job, as your son’s mother, is to look for ways to help him make his family feel safe, not be divisive and ask him to take sides. He needs your acceptance and support and so does his family. The last thing someone needs when trying to build a life with a partner who has children is for their immediate family, particularly their parents, to pull rank. That will be asking your son to choose between his mother or his wife. Since he will most likely choose his wife, you are setting yourself up for failure. And, if he doesn’t choose his wife, I predict another breakup in the very near future.

It’s better to create an environment where he doesn’t have to choose, and you can both be positive role models. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Blackstone is an author and founder of Bonus Families. She may be contacted at jann@bonusfamilies.com.

TNS