I was startled the other day to spot a product on a store shelf for moisturizing bald heads.
As the owner of one of those heads, I was not aware that it might get dry. But if a dry bald head ever does strike from out of the blue, I think I would prefer it to a wet bald head, a moisturized head. A wet thing like that can be unattractive.
Thanks to jealous people a third my age - who have started shaving their heads to fake looking like me - we are now in the heart of a fad in which walking around under a hairless knob is considered fascinating if not downright provocative.
But why is it - when such perfection in male appearance is finally achieved and a person has been liberated from germ catchers like toupees or an actual head of hair - that somebody wants to sell you an alleged improvement?
"Bald Guyz" moisture gel, for instance. That's the name of the product on the store shelf. They also sell something called "Bald Guyz" head wipes. I guess that's what you use to wipe your head when you moisturize it too much.
The label on the head wipes says, "Now, for the first time, a grooming product for bald guys."
Talk about a product for which there is no crying need. What exactly is there to groom on a bald head? Baldness represents the absence of grooming. Grooming a bald head is like combing your bowling ball.
One of the great windfalls of losing your hair is that you also lose the chore of having to fuss with your hair. When you give up your hair (or vice versa), you give up combing your hair, putting goo and glue on your hair, day after day, year after year, self-beautification without end.
There is an implied suggestion in selling me a baldness-grooming product that I'm just dying to lengthen my morning routine again with more male cosmetic potions. There is an assumption, perhaps accurate, that some men just love looking at themselves in the mirror each morning. They just adore any excuse to pat and pinch and stroke that sweet little head right there in our dear old friend the daily mirror.
Actually, the moisture gel might appeal to the morning primpers. If you want an excuse to fuss with your face and with a long, nude, endless forehead each day, then you might relish the moisture gel because, according to the label, that's pretty close to what it contains - relish. Among the listed ingredients are green tea, cucumber, seaweed, peach, lemon and grape seed.
You want me to put that on my head? Am I a man or a salad?
The cosmetic world thrives on making us uneasy with the way we are. If you're hairy, your own natural hair needs improvement.
If you're bald, you need to restore your hair - or to rub vegetable products on your bare, meaty head. (That sounds like something that would be done by a vegetarian who is ashamed of being made out of meat.)
But in truth, I once assumed I would need a bare head potion one day. My mother's father and brothers were all skinheads. As a youngster, I read that male-pattern baldness is handed down mostly from the mother's side of the family. So, as a child, looking at my grandfather and my uncles in all their bare glory, I resigned myself to kissing my young locks goodbye. And I noticed one other thing:
The bald men on that side of the family all had very shiny heads. I assumed, for some odd reason that they waxed their heads (waterproofing perhaps). I could imagine each one of them in front of the mirror every morning, holding a towel over the top of his head from either end, buffing a waxed head like man putting the shimmer on his shoes with a shoeshine rag.
When I lost my hair, it turned out that my own head began to shine all by itself without any buffing. I suddenly looked like a large light bulb signaling a fresh idea.
Apparently, we all have natural oils in our scalps. Our heads get polished inadvertently by pillows, by hats and, most of all, by loving mates kissing one of our most sensuous features.
When I look in the mirror, I use neither moisturizer nor wipes on that light bulb because, thanks to my mate, my bare head now shines in more ways than one.
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Hall is editor emeritus of the Tribune's editorial page. His e-mail address is wilberth@cableone.net.
