Set stage for better relationship with the ex’s new in-laws

Q. I recently attended my daughter’s Christmas ballet recital. She had a great part, the dancing Christmas fairy. I got there late, and the lights had already dimmed, so it was difficult to see.

I did notice my ex and tried to sit nearby, even though our breakup was messy, and we are barely speaking. She has recently remarried. When the lights came up at intermission, I realized I was sitting next to my ex’s new in-laws. I’m sure they have heard all sorts of terrible stuff about me, and I was very uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say to them.

How should I have responded? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First, in the future, do your best to be on time to your child’s activities. She may not be able to fully relax until you get there, and it will help her to know where you are sitting before the play begins.

If you are sitting with your other children and your co-parent cannot attend an event, the attending parent should do everything in his power not to undermine the absent parent, even if that parent is often flaky. Don’t say, “Your father probably forgot,” or, “Your mother is never on time.” Something as innocuous as that can set children back. Children have a pretty good idea when their parent is being irresponsible. It will not make them feel more secure to listen to one parent drive home the other parent’s poor parenting.

Second — and this may be difficult to accept — your ex’s in-laws are now part of your daughter’s life, and therefore yours as well. If you are looking for the correct reaction, I refer you to Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1, “Put the children first.” That’s the only reason you are doing this, and everything you say or do reflects on your child.

The more polite you act around your ex’s in-laws, the more you are setting a good example for your child and eliminating any possible gossip. If you are polite, when you leave, the comments will be, “He seems far nicer than I expected” instead of “What a jerk. Now I get why she left him.” And that may be followed by a whole slew of negative remarks that will only perpetuate the animosity everyone feels toward each other.

So, stay calm and simply introduce yourself. “Hello, I’m Robert Morgan, Savannah’s father.” If you want to break the ice with a little levity, try, “I’m Robert Morgan, father of the dancing fairy.” Referring to yet another rule of good ex-etiquette for parents, Rule No. 8, “Be honest and straightforward,” you may even want to acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation and thank them for supporting your daughter.

You may be wondering what you can possibly talk about until the end of the intermission. This is not the time to be self-conscious about what you think they know. Look for common ground. Your mutual interest is the dancing fairy. Keep the conversation light by concentrating on how well she is performing.

Good ex-etiquette is good behavior after a breakup. It’s easy to be angry and spiteful about whatever went on but all that means nothing to your children. Do what you can to set the stage. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Blackstone is founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com, and may be contacted at dr.jann@exetiquette.com.

TNS