Dad wasn’t ready to celebrate the holiday together

Q. My daughter’s father and I broke up about six months ago. I’ve always wanted for us both to be able to be at all of our daughter’s activities, but there still is a lot of tension.

I asked him if he couldn’t put all the bad feelings aside and both spend Christmas with our daughter, but he said he wasn’t ready. It made me angry that he was being so selfish, and I told him so, which caused a huge fight on Christmas Day. Everyone was upset. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. In concept, what you propose is great, but it may not be reality for a variety of reasons, especially only six months after a breakup.

First, I’m not sure of the reason behind your breakup, but all people adjust at their own speed. Couples must navigate a ton of emotions, from anger or remorse to downright devastation, and not everyone is ready to put all that aside six months after the split.

Second, both parents must be on board for celebrating together. That you want to and Dad doesn’t — after only six months — doesn’t mean he’s selfish. It means he’s not ready. Calling him selfish proved to be unproductive and was probably at the root of the disagreement.

Third, even if the parents have moved past all the breakup drama, celebrating together so soon after your breakup may be too much, too soon for your daughter. Most children, no matter their age, dream of a time when their parents will reconcile. They may know intellectually it’s not a possibility, but most secretly fantasize about the way it was — particularly around the holidays.

Celebrating together can conjure up all sorts of unresolved feelings. So if parents attempt it, it must be done very carefully and with a lot of thought. And it can’t be done because you think you should, but because it’s a natural progression of your co-parenting after a breakup lifestyle.

For example, even though I now support the desire to celebrate together, it took my bonusfamily five years to feel comfortable all celebrating in one place. It was initiated by my oldest bonusdaughter. I remember her dad and I dropping her off at her mother’s for Thanksgiving and her turning at the front door and saying, “Can’t we try it together? Just this once?”

Honestly, up until that time, the thought of celebrating together had never entered our minds. After five years, her dad and mom were cordial, and we all attended extracurricular activities to support the children, but all sitting at the same table seemed improbable. However, she asked, so putting on our best face and on our best behavior, we tried it. Since we lived less than a mile away, her dad and I went home to get our Thanksgiving fixings, and it turned into a Thanksgiving potluck. We were ready.

Bottom line to this story: Never attempt celebrating together unless everyone is on board. The kids are watching and all the parents — bio and bonus — are their role models. If you and Dad continue to be at odds, now is not the time to try it. Make improving your communication your New Year’s resolution and reevaluate next year. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Blackstone is founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com, and may be contacted at dr.jann@exetiquette.com.

TNS