Blackstone: Work on flexible visitation time to benefit kids

My ex and I have been divorced for a year, but she is completely inflexible when it comes to occasionally changing our visitation schedule.

There are times when I would like to take my son to a baseball game, but if the game does not fall on my scheduled visitation day, we are out of luck.

Give me some tips to approach my ex so that I can spend some quality time doing the things my son and I enjoy.

After a couple has been divorced for only a year, anger and resentment usually guide decision making, and it's not surprising your ex doesn't want to cooperate. You're both still dancing around each other, jockeying for position.

Divorce can make you feel powerless, and your ex saying, "no" is an easy way for her to regain her own personal power. Problem is, unless she already has plans for your son, denying you a little extra time is very bad ex-etiquette. It's being spiteful and ex-etiquette for parents rule No. 6 is, "Don't be spiteful." Therefore, the decision is not based on the best interest of the child.

Good ex-etiquette for parents rule No. 1 is, "Put the children first," and staying flexible with your child's parenting plan is a great way to do just that. Being flexible can help relieve your child's stress about going back and forth between divorced parents, not to mention your and mom's stress because you can't yet cooperate while co-parenting.

Planning something special on purpose when the child is scheduled to be with the other parent is bad ex-etiquette. Manipulation is never in the best interest of the child.

To approach your ex with a positive result, have a specific request in mind, say the baseball game you mentioned.

Next, ask for what you want and be specific. "I have special tickets for a baseball game on Wednesday night, and I would really like to take Billy, but I know it's his time with you." Then put the ball in her court: "Do you have a suggestion how we can rearrange visitation days so that Billy can go to the game? He loves baseball and you know it will make him very happy." That's it. No editorializing.

By saying those few simple words you have acknowledged that she has control of the situation without losing your dignity, and you have explained that it would make your son happy if she could be flexible. You also allowed her to come up with the solution and thereby regain her power and self-esteem. By saying yes, she isn't necessarily doing you a favor, she's putting your son first, which is the primary goal, married or divorced. In the name of positive negotiation, you may want to offer her some make- up time. "I will be glad to bring him home early on Sunday so you guys can spend a little extra time together."

Just as it took time to work up to your divorce, it also will take time to build a new working relationship after your divorce. Don't lose your temper if she says "no" the first couple of times. Agreeing with each other takes practice after a messy divorce. Listen, stay calm, and set the stage for a positive result by saying "yes" when she asks.

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Blackstone is founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com, and may be contacted at drjannblackstone@gmail.com.

TNS