Q. My husband died recently. We were married for almost 50 years. He was married prior to our life together and he always told me they divorced because she did not want children. We went on to have three wonderful daughters. His passing was expected, but a terrible blow.
I recently received a letter from the funeral home saying that his ex-wife planted a tree in his name. She also wrote me a note acknowledging that “I gave him a life she could not give him” and offered what seemed to be her sincere condolences. I was handling it all fine, but what got me was when I saw her signature. Her last name was the same as mine. He was my husband. I was so incensed I bought five trees in his name.
Now I feel silly. Was all this good ex-etiquette?
A. There are quite a few questions hidden not so subtly in your query, so let’s take them one at a time.
First, planting a tree in the name of a deceased friend or acquaintance is a lovely gesture. It can also be perceived as a way to make peace if there was past animosity. So, yes, that would be good ex-etiquette. I’m not sure the note was necessary, but reading between the lines, I believe she was trying to acknowledge your importance in his life.
It sounds as if your perception was that she was trying to remind you of her importance in his life, but after 50 years together, three children and what sounds like a happy life together, searching the backstory for her motivation seems like a waste of time. It will not bring you the comfort you undoubtedly need after the passing of someone so important.
How you are acting — or better said, reacting — is quite normal. Grief is a tough one, and our emotions when grieving can be unpredictable. You can feel sad, lonely, angry and even jealous, all at the same time — and it can feel overwhelming. Then you get a card from an ex-wife telling you she bought a tree in your husband’s name and, out of the blue, you feel jealous. There’s also possibly a little resentment that he cared about someone before you — and here you are in so much pain from his passing — so you want to retaliate. You one-up her and buy more trees than she bought. Grant yourself some grace. You are grieving, pure and simple.
The Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette offer a few rules to help you navigate your grief journey. Rule 2, for example, “Ask for help if you need it,” was originally added to remind co-parents that they have an ally in each other if their children are in need. In your case, you and your children must remain allies while all coping with your grief and must remember to reach out to one another if any of you need help.
Rules 5 and 6 remind us, “Don’t be spiteful or hold grudges,” two things you may want to remember when reading cards that conjure up unwanted emotions.
Finally, while you are not required to acknowledge her card unless you want to, it may be time to check your reaction at her attempt to offer sympathy. Checking your reaction would be regarded as “good behavior after divorce or separation,” which is the definition of good ex-etiquette.
Blackstone is a child custody mediator, author and founder of Bonus Families. She may be contacted at jann@bonusfamilies.com.
TNS
