Breaking free from the God-versus-Satan Hamster Wheel

My midlife crisis crashed into my 30s when my kids aged into autonomy. They were busy with school, music and sports, and because I genuinely enjoyed their company, I did a thing — a martial arts program — with them.

That tae kwon do program required students to work on different character qualities (integrity, respect, self-esteem, etc.) with each belt level. Physical challenges aside, it was the mental work that caused my greatest strain. When I complained my instructor laughed and clapped, “Grab the gift! Heal it!” I provided him great entertainment.

When I worked on integrity, the good person I knew myself to be suddenly wanted to speed, to slack on my work, to sneak the forbidden when no one was looking. Except I was always looking. I shocked myself. When I worked on self-esteem, everything I hated about myself presented front and center. All the shyness I never knew showed up when it was supposed to be confidence. How was I hiding all these “gifts” for so long?

To this day, I don’t need an adversary outside myself and wonder why believers (Christian) in my life go all in for the satanic panic, devil-all-the-time stuff. “Grab the gift! Heal it!” falls on deaf ears. The gift of fearlessness is a tricky one for believers in supernatural things and existential judgments.

As a secular humanist, the best I have for fearful loved ones is to bolster their faith, remind them that All-Powerful is, by definition, beyond threat. I offer the trite “good always wins” because I think they need to hear it. I remind them that the devil isn’t winning and that “the devil made me do it” remains inadmissible evidence in a court of law for good reason. But they insist the All-Powerful is at risk of destruction, and we go around again. I call it the God-versus-Satan Hamster Wheel. Me, the nonbeliever, reminding the believers in my life that either their God is All-Powerful, or He/She/It is not. Do I need a spoiler alert?

It turns out that weak faith has a look. Modern science allows observation of the human brain while people are still alive. Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) shows us what is happening on the God-versus-Satan Hamster Wheel, the brain’s parietal lobe activating and creating the sense of bonding, especially trauma bonding, the good-guy group “feels” of fighting a common foe. The whole video game and comic book industry depends on human parietal lobes. In religious groups, this groupie vibe gets kicked into the amygdala and this fear-generator spins it through the glands and gets liftoff from adrenaline even if it’s all make believe. It’s near-lizard brain level stuff, the brain’s impulse to connect and fight together.

When I hear the term “spiritual warfare” I can’t unsee this MRI sponge art, but my own brain demands efficiency and wished it played itself out on Sundays, under steeples, or on fields or city parks, like the Society for Creative Anachronism, or civil war battlefield reenactments. All-Powerful play dates. Win and go. Done. Even I would play.

It should be all fun and games playing make-believe, but I’m forever wishing the make believers in my life liberation from this God-versus-Satan Hamster Wheel and freedom from supernatural fears. When a life is lived in constant fear because everything is evil, it is especially vulnerable to mental and physical health problems. As far as I can tell, the God-versus-Satan Hamster Wheel produces fear-worn, faith-challenged people. This saddens me because there’s so much more to doing good than just hating evil.

I lost the physical moves of tae kwon do over the years for lack of practice and age-related physical limitations. My black belt sits in a memory box embroidered with Korean symbols. It represents less of physical or bodily mastery and everything self-observation and the ability to recognize the ruse of my self-imposed fears and false beliefs, my hamster wheels.

I hardly think about my character qualities anymore, my integrity, self-esteem, respect, etc. I’ve worked them over enough to sit with them in comfort and they rarely surprise. Today I’m giving myself a kyung nae bow for defeating my adversary that was me all along.

Marugg is a Secular Humanist against satanic panics and hamster wheels for humans. She can be reached by email: janetmarugg7@gmail.com.