New ways to get rid of phone solicitors

This story was published in the July 15, 1992, edition of the Lewiston Tribune.

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“Thirty-two bizarre things to say to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leave you alone:

1. You’ll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire.

2. I’m sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won’t let us use it for business.

3. Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit all day with a telephone wire near your head?

4. I have an emergency here. The hamster has fallen in the cat dish and knows only the backstroke. I don’t know how much longer he can stay afloat.

5. I’m sorry, but this household has been assigned to goons from the Idaho Mafia for telephone ripoffs. If they catch anybody working their territory, they will do strange and painful things to him with a potato.

6. Did you know that there is no “e” on the end of the words “potato” and “Mafia”?

7. I’m too tired to talk to you any longer. I’m exhausted from replacing the last gross of lifetime light bulbs you sold me.

8. When I tell the Idaho Mafia about this call, you’re going to last about as long as one of your light bulbs.

9. If I drive the 150 miles to hear your time-share condominium pitch, will you give me a tire pump to inflate my free six-man sport fishing boat? Or can I just use your mouth?

10. If your mother doesn’t stop chasing cars she’s going to get hurt.

11. I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this particular century.

12. How do I know you truly are a handicapped veteran of the Spanish American War?

13. I will remind you that this is a Wednesday and the laws of this state are very strict about that.

14. I’m sorry but I fell off the ladder this morning while doing my daily changing of your lifetime light bulbs and I am in too much pain to talk.

15. The State Tax Commission does require me to ask you for your official identification number as a Certified Public Fast Talker.

16. Have you ever heard of telephone fungus?

17. The ordinances of this city preclude my deviating from the premises of preordained driffle.

18. It is a felony in some states to make telephone calls without knowing the meaning of the word “driffle.”

19. Does Ross Perot know you are making this call?

20. You’ll have to excuse me now. I seem to have dropped my bowling ball on Uncle Chester.

21. The dinner hour is not set aside for sales, unless you have prior permission from the State Department of Suckers.

22. Have you ever thought of trying your luck at selling door to door in Beirut?

23. God bless you for calling me away from the dinner table. We’re having liver and okra.

24. By all means, I want your light bulbs. Send me 500 cases. My psychiatrist, my parole officer and my bankruptcy lawyer don’t really mind if I buy some.

25. No, I don’t want any light bulbs, but could I interest you in a set of fluorescent tubes?

26. Would you like to meet my sister, who doesn’t get real angry any more?

27. Are you from Seattle like the other slugs?

28. God told me not to buy anything over the phone.

29. I’m sorry but the management will not permit us to use this telephone for any calls except from human beings.

30. Do you like beets?

31. Would you be interested in buying a drowned hamster for dinner?

32. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording. This isn’t a recording.

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Hall is the Tribune’s editoral page editor.