Hons, I’m as terrified as a clutch of sorority girls hearing about the nationwide shortage of White Claw.
Yes, there is fear deep in my marrow because Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Brad Parscale, recently told a group of enthusiastic supporters in California (!) he believes “The Trumps will be a dynasty that lasts for decades.”
Great. The return of measles and now THIS? (Shakes fist at heavens, then feels guilty about it because of upbringing.)
Please say it isn’t so. Tell us you were kidding, Brad; that you made it up just to make us liberals go ape-poo and, if so, mission accomplished.
But what if Brad’s right? There have certainly been political dynasties in the past. Roosevelts, Kennedys, Bushes. ... Although, to be sure, a Trump dynasty would be less Ming and more Dodge.
It’s certainly possible we could find ourselves saying “President Tiffany Trump” one day.
Just kidding. You know Jared and Ivanka, Eric and what’s her face and Don Jr. and the woman he left his wife and five children for, wouldn’t let Tiffany have a real job in the dynasty.
They’re like Cinderella’s stepsisters: “OMG, Tiffany, stand on the far left of the stage. No, a little farther, just a little more, OK, almost there, keep going ... going ... (Tiffany is now behind the auditorium curtain), There. Perfect!”
Assuming it’s true, who would be next in the line of succession? I’m betting on Don Jr., who is rumored to be in a low-key “cold war” with Ivanka, perhaps because she has long been acknowledged to be her father’s favorite. Like, by a country mile.
A deliciously tea-spillin’ story in the Atlantic this month used interviews with Trump campaign aides, former employees, White House officials and friends of the family to trace the roots of the dynasty, back to the days when Don Jr. eschewed his Park Avenue upbringing and became a hunter/gatherer he-man who could, literally, shoot from the hip. With his lumberjack plaid shirt and manly stubble, it was an easy jump over something dead and endangered to alt-right darling. Daddy may not like him best, but Don Jr. is beloved by the MAGA faithful, more than the lifelike Ivanka with her frustrating low-talking.
Eric (“always a bridesmaid”) Trump would seem to run a distant fourth in the possible dynastic hierarchy, being deemed considerably less valuable than Trump-by-marriage Jared Kushner, according to the magazine.
All of which is to say there is reason to be afraid, very afraid, the makings of a dynasty are falling into place. Scandals, exaggerated shoulder pads (Kushner), backbiting as each one tries to make sure the others don’t trash them to the media behind their backs ... .
If this was a Netflix miniseries, not real life, I’d be “Michael Jackson eating popcorn in a darkened theater” levels of excited. But ... since it’s the fate of the free world, not so much.
The notion of generations of Trump spawn mauling democracy on the daily for years to come is as terrifying as a roomful of rattlers. Redundant, I know.
Rivenbark is a best-selling author and humor columnist in Wilmington, N.C., who frequently writes about politics for Tribune News Service. She may be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.