Sir Longneck Schiff launches his latest inquisition

Rick Rogers

I’m watching the so-called impeachment hearings. This is primarily testimony by former ambassadors and deputy under secretaries to assistant deputy under secretaries of some hitherto unknown department of unspecified affairs as it relates to possible, even potentially probable, things that could, or even might, happen at some future time — or perhaps happened at some past time that could, or even might, cause President Donald Trump a great deal of discomfort and possibly cause him to resign in abject and utter frustration at the ridiculousness of the proceedings. Articles of impeachment could include high coincidence and misdirection.

The illustrious chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, his supreme high over-lordship, chief inquisitor, television personality and Democrat representative from California, Sir Longneck Adam Schiff, announced every half-hour that his very important committee had just heard a new bombshell, as opposed to the previous day’s bombshell — or the bombshell before that — and the current bombshell is absolute proof that Trump is a horrible person and, among many other things, is generally just a really bad guy and shouldn’t be janitor of the House official bathroom, let alone allowed to be president of the leftist states on both coasts.

Meanwhile, certain important personalities from the breathless media speculated on how many days it would be before Trump was thrown unceremoniously from office, into the Potomac or hopefully both.

In what the exalted Associated Press called “riveting testimony,” a very British-sounding doctor of something or the other and former person of great importance (stationed in the White House) proclaimed, with the authority of her best high British accent, that the president was through his personal representative, the nefarious Rudy Giuliani, certainly guilty of practicing presidential powers by negotiating with foreign leaders without consulting her and her very important colleagues.

One very important officer of the United States Army, also formerly stationed in the White House for some inexplicable reason, testified that he had been offered the job of defense minister of Ukraine three times while on active duty. This bombshell curiously did not trigger even a minor concern or kerfuffle within the most high lordship’s Intelligence Committee.

Some considerable time was spent by the various television panels trying to determine whether the correct spelling of Ukraine’s capital city was Kiev or Kyiv. The on-camera personalities of great importance seemed more concerned about this than those of lesser importance, the print media.

Man on the street interviews by incredibly famous media personalities indicated that Joe Blow, a constitutional scholar, believed that at any moment Her Highness Madame Hillary Clinton would arrive and, after personally putting a bullet through Trump’s orange head, take over her rightful place as president and lay hands on the roiling waters, calming them all. Unicorns would thence scamper about, prosperity would be had by all of the progressive persuasion, and all Republicans would be thrown forever into purgatory.

At the same time, unbelievers in the righteousness of the cause were seen in television clips, screaming from the beds of speeding Datsun pickups, carrying very wicked looking assault rifles and threatening horrible mayhem upon the land. Or maybe those pictures were from Afghanistan. I lost track.

Testimony has covered the absolute importance of hearsay some deputy assistant whatever overheard an important person discuss on a cellphone in a restaurant. This was explained to him to actually be a conversation with the president about something of great importance. This was said by an actual exalted ambassador, who cannot be examined further due to the Rule of Infallibility of Formerly Important Ambassadors and Other Important Personages, established earlier in the proceedings by the illustrious chairman, Sir Longneck Schiff.

The new testimony was, of course, a bombshell, according to the Democrats on the Intelligence Committee and every news report from Wenatchee to Washington, D.C., and a total farce according to every Republican on Earth and Fox News.

Certain Republican members of the House Intelligence Committee were allowed to question these very important personages as long as they didn’t ask anything substantive. The arbiter of said questioning was none other than the aforementioned chief inquisitor, Sir Longneck Schiff himself.

Periodically when on bathroom break, these certain Republicans came out of the inquisition and opined to the assembled breathless media about the general stupidity of the proceedings. This included speculations on whether Overlordship Chief Inquisitor Sir Longneck had experienced lack of attention in his early childhood.

Stay tuned: The assembled high inquisitors have promised there will be further revelations, most assuredly resulting in articles of impeachment requiring Trump to suffer further embarrassment.

Rogers of Clarkston is a retired manager at CCI-Speer (now Vista Outdoor). His email address is

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